Escape from the Parfume Palace

The problem with the sidequests in Pokemon games is that they inevitably boil down to "find item X and rub it on slot Y" until the supporting characters tell you how smart you are.  Thus it is with my character and Shauna (the most insufferable of the Pokemon Thieves, whose only character trait is "being a girl"): sent to "find Pokeflute and rub it on Snorlax" until it wakes up.

Apparently, though, I had to find the king of the palace's poodle in the gardens first, so this quest went from annoying to infuriating real quick.

I found the dog and played the "Farfetch'd game" (to catch a trainer's pokemon by chasing it around) from Pokemon Silver version and found myself watching fireworks with Shauna.  I have no clue where these events fit in logically with one another, but rest assured that they were all mandatory and definitely related to my quest to catch all the pokemon.

At this point, Nintendo once again tried to shove its stupid characters in my face with its terrible, terrible writing by having Shauna say that she was really happy to watch the fireworks because "[she] has never watched fireworks alone with a boy before."

NO, I reject this.  I will not accept a crappy love story on top of your crappy regular story.  I have to go lie down.
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I sarcastically alluded to the fact that Pokemon White and Y are both terrible in terms of character development in a few previous posts and I want to clarify my feelings on this matter.  I recognize that the best Pokemon game of all time, Pokemon Red version, was similarly plagued by "disposable character syndrome". 

Want to know if your game has DispCharSynd? Try to describe your supporting cast in any way without describing their job or their physical features.  If your only description ends up being something like "has a dog", "likes to dance" or "closet homosexual", then your character is shallow and useless and if it were a marine in "Aliens", it would most certainly be one of the ones that are killed off early and easily.

The thing is that Red version ALSO didn't have a real plot.  This was a game written back in the days where the entire story was told in the booklet that comes with the game--and the rest is made up by the player.  White Version and Y version, however, are given considerably less slack in the story and character-development areas of the game simply because they TRY too hard in these areas.  If White version took some time off pushing its hamfisted message of Pokemon suffrage into your face every 5 seconds and instead focused on letting you, the player, run the story, it could have gotten away with having odious and inconsequential characters, but since it spent so much time banging-on about its plot, the cast members were too easily exposed for the cardboard cutouts that they were.  The result is that you have presented a roller coaster and populated the entire thing with cardboard cutouts of "Winnie the Pooh".  Not necessarily a bad ride, but perhaps a little distracting and you have the constant feeling of shame and indigestion.

A Dirty Little Horde

Full Disclosure:  this post took a little long to get out because I got a bit lost in Lumiose City.  It's not like it is hard to navigate, it's just really really big and I'm one of the brand of gaming scum called "completionists" who have to do and see everything before moving on.  The thing is the city is not even all unlocked yet.  By this, I mean that AS PER USUAL, the game has invented some arbitrary reason why certain streets or routes are closed.  This time, it is because the power is out in the northern part of the city.  At least the reasoning in this game totally makes sense, I remember one time when I was a kid where there was no electricity in my town and I also couldn't walk around...outside...in broad daylight.

No, wait, that's right, that never happened and never would.

I made my way to the next route and my next pokemon-catching spree, where I picked-up Doduo for the active team.  It was an obvious choice between him and Farfetch'd, despite the fact that Farfetch'd (and Lickitung, for that matter) is something of a closet favorite of mine.

The Gang of Pokemon Thieves

Here, I met-up with two "supporting cast" characters of the Gang of Pokemon Thieves (my "friends"), Tierno and Trevor.  Tierno is a big guy whose only character trait is that he likes to dance (something that the game will remind you of incessantly), and Trevor's only character traits are that he is shy and smart.  Glad to have such deep and thoughtful characters this go-around!  Go Team!


Trevor gave me some Honey (and I'm glad that I resisted leading with the obvious misleading pun "Trevor gave me some sugar") to smear all over my body (okay, that line got just as creepy just as fast) to attract hordes of pokemon in tall grass.

Once again, completionist scum that I am, I had to try this out, wherein I was set-upon by five Scraggy.  "Awesome!" I thought, "time to add my favorite pokemon from white version back into my team!"

Let me preface this next point with a revelation about my play style: I hate to miss with a move.  As a matter of fact, I have never had a pokemon with the moves Fire Blast, Thunder, or Hydropump, because I would rather sacrifice the extra power for perfect accuracy (all of these moves have a 70% hit rate, and I use instead Flamethrower, Thunderbolt, and Surf respectively). 

For me, there has never been anything as terrifying as this: seeing all five Scraggy use Sand Attack on me in one turn.

This is bad enough--but then it just got worse, after my move missed, they all used Leer.  At this point I snapped and awoke several hours later in strange surroundings.

Honestly, this was one of the toughest matches I've had, or at least the most frustrating; the gang of Scraggy decimated my squad while I whittled their number down.  In the end I was reduced to just Flabebe (and tears, can't forget the tears), who I found out has a type advantage with Fairy over either Fighting or Dark (the move was super-effective against Scraggy, but Scraggy is Fight/Dark, so I'm not sure which type it was strong against) and was able to capture one of the Scraggy for my team. 

Feeling good about myself, I made it to the next town, Camphrier Town, where the guy I was supposed to talk to about "Mega-Evolutions" there told me to leave.  Obviously, it was time to call it a day.

Current Squad:

FROAKIE/Froakles/lvl.13
BULBASAUR/Bulby/lvl.13
PIKACHU/PikaPi/lvl.11
DODUO/Birdface/lvl.10
FLABEBE/Pixie/lvl.11
SCRAGGY/Scrappy/lvl.5

On Rotation: Ralts, Zigzagoon

Running the Gauntlet to Gymleader Viola

Something I've always wanted to do but never have done is to battle my way through a pokemon gym to a gymleader without healing my pokemon at the 'center.  I'm not sure if this is a man thing or just me being a tool, but I always wanted to experience this as a challenge.  The problem is that I'm something of a nervous little baby (when it comes down to it) and I have never been able to force myself to ACTUALLY go through with it.

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After thoroughly exploring Santalune city, I found myself in the pokemon gym--headed by Gymleader Viola, the Bug gymleader. 

Let's just be perfectly honest with ourselves: the only pokemon type less threatening than the Bug type is the Normal type--so I was not worried at all heading-into this place.  I ended-up spending most of my time trying to level-up Pikachu and Spewpa (evolved from Scatterbug).

My favorite leveling technique is the "sacrifice KO" wherein I weaken an opponent to within one sliver of health with a stronger pokemon of mine, then allow that pokemon to be knocked-out so I can finish the weakened foe off with a pokemon I am trying to level (so that the second pokemon gets ALL the exp.).  I guess this is like the "Sacrifice Fly" in Baseball--but this makes me quite possibly the worst pokemon trainer in the known universe.  Honestly, I kind of see where Team Plasma was coming from with the whole mistreatment of Pokemon thing from the previous game, because I obviously only see them as tools. 

Sorry I'm getting so emotional, but cut me some slack; I just realized I'm the villain.

Usually this sacrifice KO would not be a problem, but in this one case, there was no exit from the gym, so I found myself at the gymleader with three pokemon left remaining and no way to heal-up.  What is worse is that nice, shiny, super-effective against Bugs Farfetch'd I just got was one of my sacrifice KO's.

I found myself challenging Viola with a fully rested Froakie, a weakened Zigzagoon, and a Metapod who was barely alive.  It is times like this that I thank the game for forcing me to get those 90 potions at the start.

She had two pokemon and her first was Surskit, who I took out with Froakie, my lead.  Her second pokemon, Vivillon, who was much harder.  In the end, the battle came down to a "next hit wins the
game" moment between Metapod and Vivillon, and let me just say THANK GOD FOR PARALYSIS.

Metapod evolved into my favorite pokemon, Butterfree, after the battle.  Let me just say that I hope the whole game is this exciting.


Current Squad:


FROAKIE/Froakles/lvl.11
BUTTERFREE/Felix/lvl.11
ZIGZAGOON/Ziggy/lvl.10
SPEWPA/Bubbsey/lvl.9
PIKACHU/PikaPi/lvl.10
FARFETCH'D/Quackin'/lvl.11

Side Commentary: If Pokemon Were Real...

The other day I was fortunate enough to catch the special series anime "Pokemon Origins" (you can probably find it online if you want, but out of respect for the material I won't provide a link myself).  This is a four-episode special that involves the journey of Red as he learns the ropes of the Pokemon world along his journey alongside his Charmander to become the League Champion.

It was very good--and it was also done in such a way that the source material was a little more believable--and of course this brought up the question that EVERYONE asks: What if Pokemon were real?  Or more accurately, what would be your pokemon squad if you were a real trainer?

Typically when kids answer this question, the obvious examples come up: Gyarados, Rhydon, Charizard, blah, blah, blah.  I feel that this is a little bit inaccurate--or rather--absolutely ridiculous.  Most average people can barely train a dog, much less a fighting animal.  The fact is that 90ish% (and this number is COMPLETELY fabricated, by the way) of people just fundamentally could not find either the time or the endurance to do this.  Even if they could, the idea that they could control something huge like a Gyarados or a Charizard or a Rhydon is furthermore ridiculous.

Imagine these things in real life.  Pretty freaking huge huh?  And scary?  You bet.  Now try showing these animals that YOU are the dominant one in the pair.  You've gotta be a pretty intimidating sonnuvabitch to stare down a Gyarados.

What about an Arbok?  Think you have the nerves to gain the respect and control of an 11-foot long snake?  Or even a 2-foot tall, 40 pound Raticate?

Another thing to note:  No Ghost Pokemon.  I have this feeling that if you started to hang-out with a Ghost pokemon, you will just end up getting increasingly depressed--and eventually just give up on your journey.  I view Ghosts to be like bringers of bad luck or like parasites that would feed on your suffering: just having one around would be a battle of endurance.

Furthermore, just look outside and see what kinds of creatures you see.  A lot of squirrels and bugs and birds, huh?  If pokemon were real, nearly all trainers' teams would include at least one Rattata, Pidgey, or Caterpie.

One more thing: If Pokemon were real, Eevee would be a trendy designer product for rich people.

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It's funny how when you give up on finding a pokemon, it always tends to show-up out of no where.  Right after I gave up on looking for Pikachu, I was able to find and capture one, which I named "PikaPi".

With a giant smile on my face, I made it to Santalune City, future site of my first gym battle.  Soon after entering, I found a guy who offered to trade his Farfetch'd for a Bunnelby. 

I've always had a strange affinity for Farfetch'd.  I mean, you've gotta love the swagger that the duck must have in order to carry around the leek stick that it will eventually be seasoned with before being eaten.  Kind of morbid in an oddly self-aware way.

After getting Pikachu and Farfetch'd, I decided that the night couldn't get any better, so I called it an evening.

Current Squad:

FROAKIE/Froakles/lvl.9
METAPOD/Felix/lvl.8
ZIGZAGOON/Ziggy/lvl.8
SCATTERBUG/Bubbsy/lvl.7
PIKACHU/PikaPi/lvl.5
FARFETCH'D/Quackin'/lvl.10