Climbing the Underground Space Castle

As I started my journey up the tower to the obvious final boss stage to fight "N" and his giant space pigeon Reshiram, I came across the six sages.  Each one of these stepped forward and told me a useful or not-so-useful life tip: "All mistakes that are not prepared for are other mistakes," "Wisdom is the forsight of knowledge," "An apple a day makes the world go blind,"...

What a dumb game, I can't be the only one who thinks that this is just stupid, right? Right?...guys?...

I thought this would be a six-versus-one battle (which would have been fun), but I was surprised when I got instead a cutscene: all eight gymleaders showed-up to back me up.  Full disclosure: this was pretty cool--which is weird because everything else in the past hour of playing time has sucked.

It turns out that Team Plasma's big plan has always been to sabotage the PC system to release all of the trainers' pokemon.  *INSERT SLOW CLAP FOR GENUINELY CLEVER PLAN*.  My only question is why they needed the Dragonite skull from the museum at the start of the game--or all of those pep rallies--or the underground space castle build next to the pokemon league.  Surely this is the sort of plan that should be executed "Ocean's Eleven" style (with a cool Frank Sinatra tune playing in the background)?  I am very disappointed in Nintendo for not casting George Clooney as "N" and Brad Pitt as "Ghestis".

Here are things I found on the way to the top:

CREEEEEEEPY

-N's creepy ass pedophilia room -->
-A pokemon storage PC
-A pokemon center

This is clearly the worst evil lair ever.  Ghestis even cheered me on!  He wished me luck!  Who the hell writes these characters, this incessant coddling is too much!

As I made it to the top, N called for his "Hyper-Pigeon" Reshiram to battle me--Reshiram broke through the wall to get in, which must end-up costing Team Plasma a lot of money in the long run on renovations, and Zekrom appeared out of the orb I was carrying.  Okay game, I see where you are going with this.

I fought Zekrom, but apparently killing him doesn't do anything and you are REQUIRED to catch him. UGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH, FIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNE!

Oh, by the way, I got rid of that dumb Psychic type since he was only good at sucking and dying.  Picked-up Rufflet from the PC.


Current Squad:

How Do You Even BUILD a Hydraulic Castle?

Well, any suspension of disbelief or emotional involvement I've had in this game is now totally gone, killed, and burned.  This is just total nonsense.

As soon as I beat the Elite 4 and witnessed N put the finishing touches on his win against Alder, I was shown a cutscene of Team Plasma re-entering the story.  There is no way to describe what happened without losing something in the transition because I'm so shocked and confused at the absurdity of it all, so click this to see it yourself... Go ahead, I'll wait...

...

Apparently what their new, genius, totally-going-to-work-this-time plan entails is to build an underground castle beneath the Pokemon League HQ, then to have N become the League Champion (which somehow helps them in their hostile takeover), and finally to smash the castle up through the surface to take the League hostage.

This is something that has just happened.

Ignoring obvious questions like what ridiculous cost and time investment would go into building a castle like this (and inventing a new kind of hard-as-diamond substance that could withstand this kind of crushing force) as well as how the hell they have been able to do this without the people from the League HQ just looking out their windows to notice all the obvious construction equipment necessary for this undertaking, I still have to ask why building the underground castle would be preferable to just invading the Pokemon League in general?

The Greeks fought and won the battle of Marathon, they didn't build a pyramid next to the Persian camps and claim victory.  The English drove the French away at the Battle of Agincourt by shooting them with their bows, not by baking them a better cake.  Richard the Lionheart drove off Saladin's footmen at the Battle of Arsuf by sending in his cavalry, not by making a better science project than him.  You don't win wars by building castles and you can't take over the Pokemon League HQ just because you have a more impressive building!

Once again Team Plasma is caught throwing ideas at the wall and checking on what sticks.  I think I need to lie down for a bit...

The Elite Four (in no particular order)

Every team has its own feel to it.  Some teams are build around type synergy, some teams around setting-up one particular pokemon for a sweep, and stall teams (my favorite) are based upon wearing down your foe from passive effects.  MY team's strategy is currently to overpower my opponents through a combination of heavy hitters and infinity healing potions.

So, I made my traditional $100 billion purchase of HYPER POTIONS and REVIVES at the pokemart and it came time to fight the Elite Four!

The cool thing about this installment in the series is that the Elite Four are all of comparable difficulty and level--and that you can fight them in whatever order you want.  This is fresh and provocative and brilliant and all sorts of fun, expensive words.

Noticing that I have yet to--and will most likely never--address my glaring weakness to FIGHTING pokemon, I chose to battle Marshal the fighting champion first (so that if I screwed up I could just rage quit to my pre-battle save).  I was surprised when the battle went by easily--and even more surprised that the brand-new psychic type that I evolved from Elglelym (or whatever the hell his name is) was totally useless.  He was KOed on turn 1 and I decided not to waste the revive on him.  As far as I'm concerned it's now a 5-pokemon team.

Next I fought Grimsley the Dark trainer (as opposed to his brothers "Grim-Darkstein", "Mr. Darknessburg", and "Admiral NotSoNiceGuyManGuy") and won handily.  Apparently, Red, Scrappy, and Tusks are the anchors of my team of "powerhouses that lack finesse".  There was really no challenge in these supposed champions, and they yielded without any problems.

That is the thing about the pokemon world though--a gymleader or elite four champion is meant to yield to a trainer of sufficient strength and skill.  Gymleaders in the Pokemon world are trainers who exhibit and display the strengths and skills that a candidate on their journey for the championship is meant to have at that point in their training.  They are basically the final exams of the Pokemon world, meant to test your skill at the badge level at which you challenge them.  As a result, a
challenge at the Rank 1 "BOULDER LEVEL" (against Brock) requires a certain knowledge of type resistances and overcoming defenses.  Since this is the most basic level, it is typically very easy and Brock, despite being a trainer of obvious skill and experience, has the job of yielding to a trainer of sufficient skill and foresight.  As a kid I always wondered what fighting Brock would be like if you could fight him at the Rank 8 "BOULDER LEVEL" (as my last gymleader).  Would he be such a pushover?  I bet he would have a super-powerful Rhydon with some crazy move like BLIZZARD to trick up grass types who think they get a free pass.

These four were easy and I beat the Psychic trainer Caitlin and the Ghost trainer Shauntal handily.  From here I went on to battle Alder and, surprise, surprise, N was there and he beat me to it so I'll be battling him instead.  Seems like Black and White version isn't done ripping off the previous games after all!

Current Team:

Scrafty Dealings with Gymleader Iris

I have a big list of things I don't like about Team Plasma, but perhaps the best way to illustrate this is to change numbers 1 and 2 to "nonsensical plans" and to read this over and over while pouring live beetles into your pants. I was so sure that the final battle with Team Plasma was going to happen--I literally have the Pokemon Zekrom in my item pouch (in "dark stone forme") and the legendary Reshiram has been awakened--there should be a final battle I need to be fighting right about now, right?

In typical Team Plasma style, N and Ghestis decided to play the hurry up and wait game and now that side-story has kind of just died out. I'm not sure if its over in the anticlimax of the century (with me getting the "dark stone" as a sort-of nuclear deterrent in the pokemon equivalent of the cold war) or just being held-off for the moment, because when I arrived in Opelucid City, the gymleader Iris and her older boyfriend (or is is uncle?) Drayden--who have been hyped-up to be experts on Dragon pokemon as well as legendaries--told me they had no clue what I should do--and that I should just continue with the whole getting badges thing.

Gymleader Iris was a pushover--and carried a "Haxorus", which the pokedex has identified as the final evolution of my Fraxure. Thanks for the spoilers Iris...

The reason Iris was such a joke was because of my new pokemon. As I was leaving for Opeculid City, Bianca challenged me to a battle which "Scrappy" the Scraggy won all alone--despite being several levels below each pokemon on her team. Afterwards, Scraggy evolved into Scrafty at level 39, who is seriously awesome. He might look a little crazy at first, but let him grow on you--he's really cool--and amazingly powerful.

With the Team Plasma ordeal either solved...or not...it is time to travel north to Victory Road...

Current Squad:

Zekrom No Findings Please, Cannot Finding Zekrom

In a shocking twist, it turns out that Zekrom suffers from "princess is in another castle" syndrome as the journey through the Relic Caslte was a colossal waste of time--he was not there. At this point, it is obvious that no one in the entire universe has any clue what is going on--and Team Plasma's success in awakening Reshiram HAS to be attributed to blind luck...honestly: they were probably trying to do something completely unrelated (because who would want Reshiram? Its ugly at best) and just played it off as being part of their plans all along. I'm reminded of Team Plasma's mission to steal the Dragonite skull from the museum (a million gyms ago) and how fruitful that turned out for them... So the "Zekrom or Lack-Thereof Award" goes tooooo the Relic Castle! Congratulations and thank you for wasting my time!

However, the trip DID reveal a few things about Alder--apparently he's more of a washed-up champion than a legitimate somebody. The Plasma sage named Ghestis (another one of those characters who the art directors started drawing and just never stopped), the guy with the laser-eyepiece from the opening video, revealed that after Alder became the most powerful trainer in the world, his favorite pokemon got sick and died and he hasn't battled since. Honestly I like this turn of events--it brings some much-needed drama to the scene--and also it hints of some kind of back story besides the expected "I worked real hard to train the pokemons and I made it".

Ghestis said that the "dark stone", the dormant Zekrom, was not there, but that we definitely need it in order to defeat N. At this point, Alder muttered something about not liking it that we had to play into Team Plasma's plans in order to defeat them. This was quite the shock to me because we were already doing just that by coming to the Relic Castle to awaken Zekrom just like N asked us to not an hour earlier. I'm not asking for much, but a little consistency from moment to moment would be nice.

After leaving the castle, I was immediately called to the museum in Nacrene City. There, Gymleader Lenora (the normal-typed gymleader) presented me with the very item I had been scouring the Relic Castle for.

I'm not sure why Nintendo figured that they should withhold that item from me for an extra 3 minutes. I mean, nothing else happened between me not having the dark stone in the Relic Castle and me getting it in Nacrene City...except I had to withdraw Deedoon to allow me to FLY there. Was it really necessary to do this?

The way it was presented it seemed like they just happened to find this incredibly important item just lying around somewhere--like they found this "dark stone" at a flea market. So many of the events in this game just seem to be lucky breaks, this is completely ridiculous!

So after finally finding the dark stone, and a lengthy conversation with everyone involved (whom I have nicknamed Team Pup-in-Suds to counter Team Plasma) the pimp of the year basically says, "so...now what?"

My thoughts exactly...

Current Squad:

Reshiram

As soon as I left the building, I was met by the namby-pamby squad of Cheren and Bianca who went on about...something or other...I don't really pay attention to what they say anymore. Anyways, Gymleader Bryce decided to join us where he pointed out that there were ninjas hiding behind our backs...no clue how we didn't notice this without his help...

I had seen these ninjas before--they're N's personal guard and they call themselves the shadow triad--why are they called the shadow triad? Why, because they lack subtlety of course!

They told me to meet N at Dragonspiral Tower, which has now been hyped-up more than Y2K, and I gladly obliged.


Dragonspiral Tower is a fairly boring ruin which is populated entirely by two things: pokemon called Golette (which I caught) and Team Plasma. After battling twenty-something of the goons and reaching the top without breaking a sweat, I found N at the top with what must have been the most gigantic pigeon in the universe--which he revealed to be the legendary pokemon Reshiram whose only rival, apparently, is a pokemon called Zekrom, the yang to his yin.

Right before N flew away upon the back of Reshiram, he told me that I should definitely awaken the second apocalyptic legendary pokemon, Zekrom. Now let me get one thing straight--it is never a good idea to awaken a pokemon whose last appearance caused the world to be destroyed in a flash of hellfire--and this is a fact that I just assumed everyone else agreed with me on. But as soon as I met up with Alder, Bryce, the pimp of the year, and the namby-pamby squad, they seemed to be under the impression that it was a good idea to listen to the bad guys and awaken the god of destruction.

Regardless of whether or not a ten-year-old boy had the ability to control a being from beyond time and space whose every movement causes ripples through reality and drive people in futures for decades to come insane, I just thought that it was never a good idea to play right into the plans of the bad guys.

However, this is a pokemon game and it looks like its time for the whole Team Plasma ordeal to be taken care of, so its off to Relic Castle!

Current Squad:

Fraxured Facts

Now that I finally had a mission, I marched on Dragonspiral Tower--which was apparently closed for renovations because there was no entrance. Along the trip back, "Terk" evolved into Carracosta (who is, by the way, absolutely awesome!) so at least some good came from the journey.

I traveled East and found more evidence that this game was written by 12-year-olds because Team Plasma was once again standing in the middle of the path and talking quite loudly to no one in particular about how their friends were "working a job in Dragonspiral Tower which is near Iccarus City"--ZING! So...can't continue until I resolve Dragonspiral Tower, but can't get in yet...must mean it's time to get my seventh badge!

See, a gym badge is something you typically get as you're on your way to more important things--like you can pick one up when your wife tells you to buy some milk on the way back from work. But going into this battle I was a little apprehensive because both "Knives" and "Tusks" (the Axew) are incredibly weak against Ice. Turns out I didn't need to worry because Tusks single-handedly KOed every pokemon (which included one Vanillish, one Beartic, and one Cryogonal) within eight turns. Afterward, Axew evolved into Fraxure (I must be on a roll because this guy is awesome as well)!

So I battled Gymleader Bryce who definitely isn't Gymleader Pryce from Gold Version at all--and I totally called it that I would be meeting-up with the "namby-pamby squad"--Cheren and Bianca--immediately after the battle.

Current Squad:

...the Fu--

I saw a trainer with a new kind of pokemon that I wanted and found out it was nearby, so I immediately set off--but Bianca caught me trying to leave to do something constructive so she stopped me and forced me to go see a Pokemon musical with her and play dress-up with her Munna and my "Pinky"...I wish I could be making this up, I really do. Of course I dressed Pinky up in a bitching tophat and monocle because she's a playah.

Afterward there was this scene with her dad coming to take her home and her crying and stuff and something about how being different is a good thing but honestly at this point the situation is this: she took me to play dress up and I really just want her gone.  I was definitely rooting for the dad on this one...

In my exploration of Nimbasa City, I stumbled upon "N" who decided that he was into little boys and invited me onto the Ferris Wheel with him to "look for [Team Plasma] there"...yeah, sounds like a trap to me too.

But I have no control over my character at this point--most likely because he, like myself, is paralyzed with fear--so I follow him on, where he reveals that he is the king of Team Plasma and that he is going to beat the Pokemon Champion and that the only way for me to defeat him is to collect all the gym badges and beat him at the Pokemon League...because apparently all those other times I whupped his sorry ass (including mere moments before!) didn't count. Also, does this seem contrived or what?In my exploration of the surrounding areas--including some desert ruins, I caught Yamask, Maracacti, and Trubbish. Yamask is a ghost type with some potential so I gave "Pinky" the boot. Then I found the name rater and changed "A"'s name to "Deedoon" and it soon evolved into Tranquill. It evolved at a fairly arbitrary level too...like at 21 or 23 or something so I feel like it was just refusing to do so before I renamed it...Looks like my first squadmember has reached their highest evolution! At least I hope these other guys evolve...

Current Squad:

Scrappy

Since it's early in the mid-game now, there is little new development in terms of story so my musings will have to be put on hold for the moment.

That being said...

The definition of Scraggy is "Rough, Bony and Lean" which I think is a good fit for one of my new favorite pokemon. I replaced "Zoey" the Liepard with "Scrappy" the Dark/Fighting type Scraggy pokemon and to be honest I couldn't be more satisfied. I don't know what it is--but this little guy has some Moxie! (That was a terrible joke that requires explaining: his ability is "Moxie" which raises your own attack stat whenever you KO a pokemon.) I can't wait to see what he evolves into!

Also surprising is how strong Swadloon, newly evolved from Squiggles the Sewaddle, is. If you look at the picture its pretty clear that its a leaf-coccoon, so another evolution is on the way--so "Butterfree 2 the sequel" is yet to come.

Team Plasma, not yet content to let me get through a town in peace, came and stole one of my two irritating friend's (Bianca's) pokemon, so not only did I have to deal with them but also Bianca's incessant whining, but they left after only one battle so that was nice of them. I DO, however, like how they actually take an active role in the game rather than just sitting in a warehouse somewhere waiting for you to come by and whip their collective ass. Also I'm beginning to think that they are the Illuminati from the opening cinematic because I noticed that their leader has a red laser eyepiece.

Thanks to Rock Jock, Red, and Scrappy, Gymleader Burgh's bug pokemon did me a huge favor and died for me.  The Insect badge was mine. And immediately after this I battled not one but both of my friends who continue to follow me everywhere I go.  I should have just kept Bianca's stolen pokemon for myself...

Current Squad:

A Pokemon-Catching Spree!

After stealing the "Dragon skull", Team Plasma charged-off into the forest, followed by Gymleader Lenora, some artist named Burgh, and, because the story required it, myself. Burgh ran ahead along the road to "head them off" and told me to traipse through the forest after Team Plasma.

Seeing this as an opportunity to beef up my pokedex, I caught Venipede, Tympole, and Sewaddle.  Soon after, I caught Sandile, Scraggy, and Darumakka. I immediately replaced Pansage with Sewaddle which has turned out quite favorably, but I think I have some big choices to come over Sandile and Scraggy...

Team Plasma did what they do best--suck and burn--and just when I had beaten the last guy, some old guy who talked like an eighteenth-century ass approached me and said that it doesn't matter that I stopped them because, "...this is not the skull of the pokemon that we have been searching for for so long, it is completely unrelated." I'm glad that Team Plasma themselves are coming to grips with the fact that everything they are doing is complete nonsense.  Even I could have told them that a skull--no matter whose it is--is not going to free pokemon.

Burgh and Lenora showed up just in time for the old guy to launch into a ten-minute long monologue about how awesome Team Plasma is and how they are going to free all the pokemon--making sure to tell us all in excruciating detail the explicit instructions on how to foil their next plans. Even more disturbing is how he made sure to tell me that Burgh was a bug pokemon trainer and that he is the gymleader of the upcoming town (and that I should catch some flying and fire pokemon before I battled him).

About fifty minutes later I finally made it to Castella City, which is absolutely massive! I'm not even kidding, this place is HUGE! That last link goes to a youtube video of some guy exploring it.

Zoey (Purrloin) evolved into Liepard, which looks awesome, but isn't any better than she was, so we'll see how long she lasts...

Current Squad:

Gym Leader Lenora's Boring Pokemon!

Nacrene City is located just outside the game's first forest and just north of a bog. Naturally I decided that it was time to catch new pokemon and left for the forest where I was immediately blocked by about 20 team plasma guys standing there, clearly waiting for me to beat the town gymleader.

I went back to town and found the gym--located in the basement of a museum--and was stopped by the "Champ-in-making guy" (who seems to pop-up in every game) who said that Lenora uses Normal-type pokemon--basically that she has no hopes and dreams and that her life is just a nightmarish bore. He went on to hint that I should look for some special fighting-type pokemon in the aforementioned bog.


Remembering the last time this game hinted that I go do something else before a big gym battle, I decided to take his advice and combed the swamp for new pokemon.

Now, there are three fighting pokemon that I found in the area: Timburr, Sawk, and Throh (clockwise at left)...Which one of these would you honestly allow onto your squad? Throh and Sawk are the same pokemon and Timburr is just absolutely repulsive...are those veins? What is this game rated?

Deciding that if I couldn't beat NORMAL pokemon with my current team then I didn't deserve to even play anymore, I returned to the gym. Lenora carried a Herdier and a Watchog, so she may as well have just given me the badge up front. Her first mistake was using only Normal Pokemon and mistakes 2 through 79 all involve the fact that she was basically carrying two Raticate.

Honestly though, I'm surprised that Lenora didn't say something like, "Oh you didn't catch a fighting pokemon like we asked you to? Then I guess that means you'll be fighting my sister, Steelio the Steel Pokemon trainer instead as punishment, HAW-HEE-HAW-HEE-HAW!"

As it were, Herdier is the evolution of Lilipup, so I guess my Growlithe hypothesis was completely wrong...also this is the second gym out of two so far with a form of Lilipup...sensing a trend...

Before I could even save my game after the battle, team plasma attacked that very Museum and stole a Dragon skull. No clue why having that particular skull will free pokemon from their trainers but surely that will be explained in excruciating detail after I whip their bums.

Cheren and Bianca then showed up AGAIN because they realized I was just starting to have fun and in the ensuing battle, Tepig evolved into Pignite.

Current Squad:

Team Plasma!!!

As I was searching for Purrloin, I was met by Dr. Fenel who is apparently a "Dream Expert" (which sounds more to me like being an expert at making up doctorates).  She sent me on an errand to collect this "dream gas" that a certain pokemon emits...sounds gross.

I kindly told her that she was not the boss of me and went on my way. After traveling about 30 steps and realizing I couldn't continue, I decided to listen to her "just this once".

Here I encountered Team Plasma trying to make the pokemon in question, Munna...erhm...pass some gas. Then, to my surprise they challenged me to a battle. Needless to say I was confused that a group that is against pokemon servitude would carry pokemon, but they went on to explain that "its different for [them] because [they're] using pokemon to free pokemon!" After I decided to just go with it, I beat them down and took the dream gas for myself, making sure to catch the psychic type Munna in the process and naming it "Pinky".

I had tried earlier to go to Route 3 but was stopped by an old man who said I needed a gym badge. I tried again after defeating Cress and he said I first needed to complete an errand for Dr. Fenel in town. Still a third time he said that she still wanted to see me, so imagine my surprise when the man let me through this fourth time without making up some excuse like I hadn't collected the Mystical McGoven necessary to proceed or that I needed 100 Donkleberries to feed the dragons ahead.

However, as I took my first step into the grass, I finally was able to find and catch a Purrloin, whom I named "Zoey" because I always wanted a cat named Zoey..

Current Team:

The Arrival of PETA

After arriving in Accumula Town and making a stop at the Pokemon Center, I encountered the first real change in this game--the pokemon centers and the pokemarts are the same building now! To be honest this is absolutely genius and I'm surprised I didn't think of this sooner.

Then when I got back outside there was this whole disturbance with a group of people who I assume to be the Illuminati from the opening cinematic talking about how bad it is to keep pokemon in balls and make them battle. So I guess PETA is the Team Rocket of this game...although I wonder how they will be any trouble since they preach pokemon equality and an end to pokemon as battlers...clearly they won't battle with them as a result and it shows because they left without a fight...Also I really don't understand what the "Plasma" thing means, it doesn't really make sense in the context of their cause.

Afterwards some kid in the crowd with green hair and a Rubik's cube necklace (hmmm...sounds familiar) attacked me, saying he has to speak with my pokemon and that his name is "N"...I don't know...I wasn't really paying attention because I was too busy deciding that I wanted to eventually catch his pokemon, which was called Purrloin.

After I beat him with Red and my legion of Growlie's I checked the pokedex for Purrloin's area and found that it was right where I was! I searched for about an hour. No Purrloin yet...

Current Squad: